Probably Just A Cycle But All The Wheels Are Flat

Posted: March 24, 2012 in Mental Health, Writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In the pursuit of truth – or perhaps in an effort at honesty – I’m going to write and post this entry. It is not a cry for help, not is it a declaration of any final life changing decisions. What it is, is me being honest with myself and you my readers. Should this be listed under mental health or writing, I honestly don’t know, as I’m sure it can be partially blamed on my mental issues but I am just as sure that all writers have these moments so…. on with the post.

I am going through a crisis of faith, I guess would be the best way to describe it. It is not my first and I highly doubt it will be my last. I am doubting myself as a writer. I know I will not stop writing – I have tried ( tried and failed? tried and died!) it didn’t go well.

I doubt myself as a short story writer, as a novel writer, as a writer of anything anyone would care to read. I am doubting if I want to try to find a small press publisher for the novel I’m going to get comments about. I’m doubting if I should go through the effort of releasing anything as an e-published work. I am doubting my story telling ability and the quality of the tales themselves. In short – in case you hadn’t picked up on it – I’m doubting sitting in front of a word processor and pulling up anything.

I have felt this before and moved on to write something later, but while here, in this thought process, I ask myself  ‘Yes but what did you write? What happened to it? Where is it now? And I firmly believe the answer to be – rotting on my hard drive (can things rot on a hard drive?)

So do I rail against my own morose, morbid, miserable state and force myself to do something or do I simple try to ignore it until whacked upside the head by my muse and jump on a new project like a kid with a new bike? Right now, I feel what’s the point in editing something – I don’t feel like searching up yet more places to submit. What’s the point in writing something as …well there is a long list of reason not to write.

Faced with the crisis, I admit I feel the urge to drink G&T’s and play bad, on-line, video games. I don’t know if I need a shot of good news, or simply time to get past it, or maybe hope to be overcome with  a new idea that is so insistent and wonderful(at the time) that it drives all this debate from my head. (I’m not holding my breath on the last one as I’ve come to find I don’t look all that good in purple).

Well there you are world, my brutally honest sharing of my mental state. I ‘know’ I don’t suck as a writer but right now I ‘feel’ like a suck at writing and I’m not sure how much I care.

As I say – this is not a cry for help. I’ve felt this before and moved past it. This is a sharing of my mental state for all those others facing dilemma’s of the mind, the creative process, and the misconception that writers are always caught up in a blissful land of make believe and the worst thing the fear is …dum..dum..dum…writers block.

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Comments
  1. Mayhap in your very post you have proven something else—it might take a few more quiet personal questions to find out just what, but it is there. Without doubt I have felt the same, and am never ashamed to admit it to anyone. There are times where I take refuge in books, and when in doubt of my writing I generally pick up the book “Touched With Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison—not quite sure of how, yet it always makes me think twice, thrice about something or gives me inspiration to continue.

    • rmridley says:

      I knew I couldn’t be alone in this – I believe the answer to this issue is to forget that I have an issue. To forget that I am bothered by any of these questions and write/edit on. Yet I have not quite sidestepped the issue sufficiently to come upon it from the back and use it as a prop for my ledger.

  2. beatbox32 says:

    This is definitely a part of the cycle and from what you wrote, I think you realize that deep down. I’m glad you posted this though, as talking about it will probably get you through this quicker and put the pen back in your hand.

    My opinion:
    If your heart isn’t in editing or writing right now, don’t do it. Let things marinate for awhile and push your creativity towards new outlets. Listen to some new music. Do something in the great outdoors. Travel somewhere you’ve never been, even if it’s not far away. I think you’ll find yourself inspired once again and anxious to write things down. Don’t let your conscious self get your subconscious self down! :)

    • rmridley says:

      Thanks – I did learn a few years ago that if I’m not inspired – if it ain’t flowing – just don’t try. Only time I get ‘writers block’ is when I try to make myself write.
      I haven’t even tackled anything more then editing other peoples work lately – but I think the juices might be flowing. I got comments back from my editor on a novel and I think it has inspired me to try to rework the story (though not quite in the way she suggested – good thing she’s patient)

  3. Coach Sue says:

    What courageous transparency!. Kudos to you. Here’s a link that speaks to your “crisis,” in a way.
    http://couragetoadventurecoaching.wordpress.com/2010/05/10/leap-of-faith/

    Sue Bock
    http://bestlifeafterbreastcancer.com
    http://couragetoadventure.com

    • rmridley says:

      Thanks Sue,
      I took the time to follow that link and I’m glad I did. The rest of my readers should take the time to do so as well

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