Stuck In the Mud

IT has been a while since I posted on here. Partly that is because nothing had really changed in my life – the truck was broken, the garden was mostly weeds, and my writing simply wasn’t happening.
So what has changed? Well the truck is running well enough to have my wife take it down the road and get it stuck in the mud.

That about sums it up.
I admit I have been a bit, shall we say, burdened? Maybe down? Depressed and despairing even?A case could be made for that truth. I am not receiving much positive in my life right now. Getting the truck running wasn’t even a positive for me because it had A) taken so long and B) every time I got it fixed… there was a ‘next stage’ that had to be tackled. Fixed just became ‘waiting for the next shoe to drop’.

Was this really a good reason to not post – not really as one of the reasons I have this blog it to share my mental state not shy from it. As any one with mental health issues can verify however, doing things like bothering to post on your blog becomes a pointless chore that takes back bench to trying to ignore your own life. Which of course becomes a cycle of not blogging when you should about what you should because you are going through what you should be blogging about.

I’m not out of the cycle. I just happened to to find enough juice to push this bitch session out into the world. but other than that I still find myself … well – stuck in the mud.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I think I am coming out the other side of this cycle. My thoughts are gelling better, my frustration is easing, and I am becoming more concerned with real issues.

This, of course, means I am becoming burdened with two things – my writing and my truck.

My truck still needs to have the problem diagnosed and I need a part to help do that. My father has generously offered to buy the things I need to fix the vehicle – how we are going to actually work that out, since we don’t actually have much funds to be able to use until he can pay us back, is something I am just stating to try and work out in my mind now. How I am going to get those things I need without a vehicle is dependent on the kindness and patients of my in- laws. But I am feeling less unease at the thought of going out into ‘the world’ than I was a few days ago.

The second thing, my writing, is an issue in two parts. The first being that I want to get back to it  – I have a novel to start editing and a novel I need to get back to writing. Doing this however, while the truck is not running makes me feel guilty – which doesn’t help bring my cycle down – but simultaneously writing helps bring me through my cycle.

The other writing problem is that I need to start looking for a new publishing house to submit to – this is a frustrating, time consuming, pain in the ass…. which doesn’t do much good for getting me out of my cycle.

so I am at the cusp of… do I do anything yet, or do I remain a lump waiting? When do I force myself to ‘act’ when is it best to ‘rest? There is no set rule for this vague guidelines are the best I can hope for.

Whatever happens – it isn’t happening just today but maybe I can start laying the ground work for it to happen – when it happens.

Take One Part Sun – One Part Crazy

So I’m still going through a cycle here and it is still just surreal to be doing so in May. I have managed to get the garden planted, and some repairs on the patio roof so I’m not feeling this time is a complete write off. I need, need, need to get the truck fixed – this isn’t fair to anyone that it is still fixed – so I am hoping a reasonable amount a sanity returns soon.

I am not sure why this is happening now. It does put a final coffin nail in the theory that my cycles are longer in winter because of seasonal dysfunction disorder…. yay?

My kiwi-berry vine that was given to me this spring is doing remarkably well and if I don’t get fruit this year I am certain I will next. Some of the vegetables won’t come up soon enough to bare fruit I’m certain. I started inside but then we stopped heating the house so really there was no reason to plant them – live and learn. I wish I had the wherewith-all in time, mind, and money to build an attached green house. I dream of veggies growing all year round, and seedlings started in March.

I wish I didn’t have strange bouts of insomnia or dreams that leave me strung out and emotionally drained. I wish I could find a publisher for my novel. I wish I owned the farm land beside my house. I wish I’d stop wishing.

This post was a bit all over wasn’t it. It was the best I could make of my thoughts.

A thing to leave you with – the other night, as I tried to go to sleep, my head started singing ‘Row row row your boat’ – as a round ! With Itself!!!

Bad Day To Be Awake

It is very odd to me to be cycling in May. I cycle long in the winter months and hard for a couple weeks in July and I’m used to it – I can be prepared for it but this is throwing me.

Today is an especially rough day, my red rage’ is just there beneath the surface, I can’t concentrate, and nothing seems ‘right’.

I have managed to do stuff. I worked on the last of getting my veggie garden ready – I even planted the few broccoli seedling I managed to grow and I soaked seeds to be planted tomorrow.

Does it feel like I accomplished anything – hell no. Why would it - I’m cycling.

This is the way of it I suppose, these times when the pattern is broken makes me all the more appreciative of when things are functioning as properly as they ever do in my skull.

My novel was rejected and I’d like to blame to that for this spike but I know it’s not true. I have already sent a query letter to another publisher to get a bit more information from them about their submission requirements. I don’t know if my work will quite be a fit but they look like a good place to aim for next.

So there it is a boring bitching update. Wish I had more to say but I don’t and that’s ok because I started this to chronicle my journey through my life and my life isn’t always exciting… in fact most of the time it’s predictable and boring. Kinda wish it was that way today.

But Of Course

So my wife went to help a friend get her house ready to be sold yesterday, I was fine with this though it did mean getting up at stupid early to let the animals out of their barns and coops and feed them. After a few hours had gone by I started to suspect that I was in a cycle. I had thought it possible – if highly irregular- earlier but there was stress and visit from friends ( the latter being a welcome change) so it was hard to tell. In the silence and solitude it became obvious that I am cycling.

As a rule, I cycle November through December have a couple weeks ‘off’ then cycle January through February and am free until mid July when I get a short (two week) sharp spike. So what am I doing cycling in the end of April,.. well that’s the beauty of mental illness, the complete and utter lack of rules. What usually happens doesn’t mean always happens.

Just to make sure I wasn’t mistaking the issue last night i had only two hours of sleep. I tossed and a turned in and out of brain frying, sensory overloading, stress raising dreams. I finally gave up at six and plodded down stairs, my guts churning acid, and my brain bouncing off the inside of my skull like a ball of rubber glue.

It has been three and a half hours now since I came down from my bedroom. I am tired, but doubt I would sleep should I decide to go seek it’s embracing blankets again. And should I sleep, what would I find waiting for me there in my addled brain – I don’t think I want to discover.

I will get over this bump in the road of my life but right now now I feel like I’m driving down a stretch of forgotten back country road – pedal to the floor – in an old pick up truck without, shocks, or tires…. with one wicked hang-over.