Posts Tagged ‘Brain’

The other morning, I had worked at getting several hundred words into the fifth White Dragon Black novel, which, alas, still has no name. ~looks pointedly in Muse’s direction~ I decided to use some of my time in the afternoon to finish up the first draft of a short story. I opened the file and began to skim it, to re-familiarize myself with what already existed.

That didn’t take long, because there was only a couple of paragraphs – short ones at that. I felt my stomach drop, even as my mind went into wild bird in glass box mode. My brain bounced from one thought to another as it tried to reconcile the fact that it was sure there was a lot more to this work than was on the screen. My gut said I had somehow lost all the work.

I searched the computer, opened files incase it had been saved under a different name somehow, I stuck my thumb-drives in to make sure it wasn’t there. I even opened my email to see if it ad magically moved itself. All for naught.

Then I looked to my left and saw the small pile of pages ripped out of a notebook which had been sitting there for well over a month. I opened the fold over pages and read the first line.

Yeah. It was the majority of the story. Soon as I read it I remembered I had written it in the summer, waiting in my parents van for the delivery truck to bring the baby chickens. I just never got around to transcribing it. I honestly had no recollection of writing it that way until I unfolded the paper.

I have no idea what I thought those pages were but I do have note pages of all sizes, all over my tiny desk- story idea’s, quotes to put in current projects when I get there, jotted down interesting facts I might be able to insert in a story, all the usual writer’s stuff. Still, I felt pretty damn silly.

Now I’m putting the chicken scratch of my writing into the computer, so I can try and wrap this one up before working on the other two calling out for my attention. Because writing three short stories and a novel would be silly, two on the other hand…

Fall means many things to me… not many of them good.

First it means that soon my brain will be cycling up. That my mental health issues will become more insistent. My bipolar will start its month long stressing of my coherent thoughts. And I will become less able to handle- well… just about anything. My need for routine will become more important as will the need to have stress removed.

Fall also means winter is right around the corner. Cold reaching deep into my bones and not letting go until some time in May. Snow banks up to my waist to tromp thru two or three times a day to feed wood to the furnace to keep the worst of the cold away. Fingers too cold to type coherent words and shoulders hunched up to my ears causing stiff neck muscles and back pain.

It is the time I catalogue all the projects I failed to do over the summer, while also listing all the things that must happen despite the cold and wet, before ice covers everything. This part, obviously, working directly agains the whole, follow routine and reduce stress aspect.

The only good thing about all this, is that my routine, my coping mechanism, the one thing my brain -even crazy as it gets – allows for me to do, is write (and edit).

These hell months that are descending, like a pack of harpies, at least allow for my Muse to channel into me and use me for greater lengths and purposes.

Had our annual Labour day long weekend party this weekend past. It was one of the stranger experiences for me in a long while because, for the first time in years, I knew come today- I would have to get back to work.

In fact, I felt bad because while I was sitting around drink a G&T in the afternoon, I knew I had things that needed to be done. I had work waiting on me, I felt guilty actually that I wasn’t at my computer.

I didn’t actually breakdown – give in – and work but it was a near thing. I have three projects on the go – three official projects – plus writing the fifth novel, so three days off is actually a lot.

Today, I’m trying to getting back in the swing but I am a bit run down still from the weekend, and I couldn’t sleep last night. Being social, ‘up’, and interactive takes a toll on me (and most people with mental health issues) even when I’m enjoying myself, there is still a price being paid. ‘Relaxing’ with people is a whole different game than ‘relaxing’ with people. Plus, with my hearing loss, social interaction that isn’t text based can be quite exhausting. Straining to hear, sorting out all the noise, focusing on the conversation, watching lips – this piles up fast and wears you down fast too.

So I don’t know just how much real work I will get done today. . .  Excuses – I hate them when their actually legit.

I may not be pulling in the money like this was a ‘real’ job, but I’m certainly putting in the hours.  With writing in the morning, either in the new short story or the fifth novel, and edits all afternoon, plus social media promotion of my novel and myself, my day is full.

I can’t imagine how all those other writers out there, who do actually hold down another ‘real ‘ job do it. I mean, seriously- kudos to you all. My writing is eating into everything else, and I don’t know how to stop that. I feel if I’m not doing my self imposed minimum of edits and writing, I’m shirking my duties and not taking this ting seriously. It has become the number one priority and everything else is secondary to it.

Unfortunately, that can’t be true, even for me who has no ‘day job’. Things need doing around the house, repairs, upkeep, cleaning and yet…

I’m going to have to find a balance, I know this, but I also know I can’t get stressed about either side of this argument because stress isn’t good for my brain… it isn’t good for anyone’s brain, mine just overreacts.

This is the only reason I wish I could be ‘rich’ off my writing is to have other people do the ‘other stuff’ so I could just worry about the words. I guess that’s true for all of us writers. Actually, I wouldn’t mind getting some serious money coming in for another reason–to fully cover the cost of going to a con – at least one per year, right here in Ontario.
I am seriously going to do all I can to get to Ad Astra in Toronto this year – and unless I hate it (which I can’t see happening) – and every year after. It would be nice if I could do that on the profits of my sales . . . maybe in 2016.



Well, new kitten… unexpected. This is going to mess with finances some, as we are still having to deal with Storm’s kitten vet expenses and both Storm and Yina will need to be neutered, with only about two months of each other… if that.
We were not entirely sure how we were going to deal with Storm this upcoming long weekend, as we host a party during that time and with people going in and out, with a kitten determined to be out, was going to be tricky. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. This way if we do lock him in the bedroom, at least he’ll have a source of amusement…I don’t know how amused Yina will be but…

I am still trying to edit the second White Dragon Black novel, ‘Bindings & Spines’, like a mad man. Lots of changes to the first five chapters – took some time and melted my brain a little but, even with cutting out a whole scene that was definitely one of my ‘darlings’, I think this is the better way for the novel to begin. I have just received a number of chapters back from my beta reader – so I can progress from where the rearranged beginning left me.
Also, I’m still working on the edits further in on the novel, which will be sent on their way to my beta reader. I’m trying to get through all the edits to this novel, as fast as I can ,to get the thing to my publisher as early as possible… so we can do more edits. Damn good thing I actually like editing.

Wrote nearly 600 words this morning in the fifth novel, not much , but it helps to write a little, as regularly as I can, to keep the story active in my brain. I appreciate my Muse feeding me these little snippets, I admit I wish she would show me the title for it. But You take what you get.

I am almost finished the pinata for the above mentioned long weekend party. I just have to fill it and paint it. My big concern at this point is that the thing is strong enough to take the weight of the prizes inside. Those little bottles of alcohol weight nothing individually but when you have a lot all together… well I just hope I made the thing strong enough.

Still haven’t dropped my dosage down. Usually by this point in the summer, I’ve come down from my July cycle enough to drop the extra 250 ml – but alas, I feel the red rage still seething too close to the surface and my thoughts are not quite as linear and refined as I could hope. Maybe I should be getting my blood wrok done again to see where the levels are at but I know my doctor is very much worried by the idea of raising my dosage above what it is now.  Can’t blame him really, they pills really are liver killers,

Well, there you have it – my exciting update on my not very exciting life.