In the pursuit of truth – or perhaps in an effort at honesty – I’m going to write and post this entry. It is not a cry for help, not is it a declaration of any final life changing decisions. What it is, is me being honest with myself and you my readers. Should this be listed under mental health or writing, I honestly don’t know, as I’m sure it can be partially blamed on my mental issues but I am just as sure that all writers have these moments so…. on with the post.
I am going through a crisis of faith, I guess would be the best way to describe it. It is not my first and I highly doubt it will be my last. I am doubting myself as a writer. I know I will not stop writing – I have tried ( tried and failed? tried and died!) it didn’t go well.
I doubt myself as a short story writer, as a novel writer, as a writer of anything anyone would care to read. I am doubting if I want to try to find a small press publisher for the novel I’m going to get comments about. I’m doubting if I should go through the effort of releasing anything as an e-published work. I am doubting my story telling ability and the quality of the tales themselves. In short – in case you hadn’t picked up on it – I’m doubting sitting in front of a word processor and pulling up anything.
I have felt this before and moved on to write something later, but while here, in this thought process, I ask myself ‘Yes but what did you write? What happened to it? Where is it now? And I firmly believe the answer to be – rotting on my hard drive (can things rot on a hard drive?)
So do I rail against my own morose, morbid, miserable state and force myself to do something or do I simple try to ignore it until whacked upside the head by my muse and jump on a new project like a kid with a new bike? Right now, I feel what’s the point in editing something – I don’t feel like searching up yet more places to submit. What’s the point in writing something as …well there is a long list of reason not to write.
Faced with the crisis, I admit I feel the urge to drink G&T’s and play bad, on-line, video games. I don’t know if I need a shot of good news, or simply time to get past it, or maybe hope to be overcome with a new idea that is so insistent and wonderful(at the time) that it drives all this debate from my head. (I’m not holding my breath on the last one as I’ve come to find I don’t look all that good in purple).
Well there you are world, my brutally honest sharing of my mental state. I ‘know’ I don’t suck as a writer but right now I ‘feel’ like a suck at writing and I’m not sure how much I care.
As I say – this is not a cry for help. I’ve felt this before and moved past it. This is a sharing of my mental state for all those others facing dilemma’s of the mind, the creative process, and the misconception that writers are always caught up in a blissful land of make believe and the worst thing the fear is …dum..dum..dum…writers block.